Top 5 Blind Date Quotes

Today I exchanged e-mails with my friend McGuire and we got on the subject of Match.com. (He’s a single, foxy, 30 year old financial services professional and brand-new homeowner, in case any of you fiiiiine young ladies are interested.) I always feel that it’s my job to offer unsolicited advice, as I am the patron saint of Internet dating, having been on close to fifty blind dates.

So, he got me to thinking about some of the colorful dates I’ve had. I thought I would take a few minutes to share with you the top five most memorable quotes of my dating life.

#5 – “Oh, the animals don’t mind about the leather. They just care if we eat them.”

Surprised by his request for “no cheese” on his eggplant parm, I questioned him about his dietary preferences, figuring he might be lactose intolerant or something. He said smugly that he was a vegan. I thought it curious, since – earlier in the evening -- he was quick to point out the custom leather seats in his brand-new Corvette. So, I asked (coyly), “Funny. Doesn’t leather come from animals?” The genius gave me the answer above. Nice.

#4 – “I had them bound for your convenience.”

(Over dinner during first 10 minutes of first date.)

Him: I have a gift for you.
Me: Oh! How sweet. That’s really unnecessary.

(He reaches into bag and pulls out a one-and-a-half-inch thick, perfect bound set of computer printouts with a clear plastic cover.)

Him: My movie reviews. I wrote them. I had them bound for your convenience.
Me: Wow. Thanks –
Him: Would you mind reading them by early next week? I would love to get your impression!

Ugh!

#3 – “I’m a dirt scientist.”

I'm not messing with you. The guy studied dirt for a living. He was embarrassed about it. He shouldn't have been. I actually thought it was pretty freakin’ cool.

#2 - “No. You don’t need a pen…”

(Dirt Scientist – see above – and I just finished having two cups of coffee and four hours of excellent conversation at the local Barnes and Noble. Although he planned to call to me to schedule another date, he still wanted me to have his cell phone number, should I need to get a hold of him.)

Me: Hold on one sec. (Digging around in purse.) I know I have a pen in here somewhere…
Him: No. You don’t need a pen. I have another great way for you to remember.

(He runs in front of me and starts making Catwoman gestures.)

Him: Meow! Meow! (Claws the air.) See. I’m a cat! 9 lives. Meow! Get it? The number nine is first!

(He arches his back and thrusts his arms forward.)

Him: So, you see what I am?

Me: Uh –

Him: See? I’m a diver. I look like the number 7. The next number is seven.

Me: I’m sure I have a pen in here somewhere –

(He begins skipping around parking lot and doing – what seems to be – Twyla Tharp-inspired modern dance.)

Him: You see? I’m free. I’m FREEEEE! Like the number THREEEEEE! (Continues to flail around the lot, squealing and making swishy windmills with his arms.)

Before I could be treated to the next number of the series, I had hit the gas and was already half way down the highway.

#1: “I’ve always wanted to…”

Back in the day, I did a short stint as a hostess at a local family restaurant. One day – out of nowhere – the baker asked me out on a date. Although I didn’t think we had a lot in common, I accepted. I know how much courage it takes to ask someone out, so I didn’t want to shoot the guy down.

Almost immediately the date went south. After sharing appetizers and a few beers at a local joint, we hit the road to go to the local miniature golf place.

Halfway there, he pulls over to the side of the road and says, “Those beer and hot wings is startin’ to get to me,” and proceeds to get out the driver’s side of the car, pull down his pants, bear his hairy butt and pee – like 12 inches from the car!

And… that’s not even the worst of it.

After a pretty disastrous date, he drives me back to my car. I smile politely and thank him as quickly as I can, eager to get the heck out of dodge. As I’m leaving the car, he grabs hold of my arm and says, “Wait a minute.” Shit. Shit. Shit. He’s going to chop my head off and bury me in a ditch.

Me: Um…thanks again. What – what is it?

(He leans over, two inches from my face and says…)

Him: I always wanted to kiss a non-smoker.

Man! Thank God I finally found my Prince Charming.

Comments

[Kate]

Good GOD! You poor poor soul.

[TJ]

Thank you! I survived. (Mercifully with my sense of humor still in tact.)

[zonker]

Holy ****!

[Brother Kojak]

THat....was hysterical. How in the world did you remember those? I mean, they're hard to forget but I'm sure over the duration of time they got a little foggy.

[Kid Various]

No wonder Mr. Surly looked so good...

[TJ]

I think I had them burned into my brain. However, remembering to jot those little gems down in my diary didn't hurt.

[Pammy]

Oooh, my gawd! Whatta hoot! The dirt scientist/Twyla Tharp dancer...all I could think of was Robin Williams in Birdcage.

[Shabe]

So didja kiss him? Dish!

[TJ]

I did the patented "Look Like Your Going in for a Big, Wet Smooch but Turn your Head at the Last Second" move. Worked like a freakin' charm!