Twisty

Overheard at the McGuinness Family Dinner Table

TJ:  (Talking to Self, Aloud) You should be a vegan. I've never met a fat vegan.

Mr. Surly: You calling me fat?

TJ: (Indignantly) No!!! By “you,” I mean “the collective you.” (Pause) All of us. (Ponderously) Like, I should totally be a vegan.

(Takes bite of steak.)

TJ: Seriously. Why not be vegan? What’s not to love about vegetables?...No mozzarella sticks, though...But I can live...Maybe vegetarian is better. I think I can do that.

(Sprinkles on Texas barbecue seasoning purchased at Austin airport and takes second bite of steak.)

(Finishes steak.)

Ketchup

As of late I’ve been trying to do a clean-out-the-refrigerator/freezer theme in preparation for all the yummyness that is spring and summer produce.

Truth be told, one of the nicest gifts someone could give me would be one of those could-hide-a-dead-body-size freezers people have in the basement. I freeze food. A lot.

I’m not what you’d call frugal, but I really don’t like to waste food. I figure if I put effort into making something, we can’t finish it and it will freeze well, why not pop it in the coolerator? One day when we’re hungry for home cooking, it will be a nice surprise.

My mother is known for her outrageously good Christmas cookies. One year, she took some of the surplus and froze it. I still remember that July day when she found them snugly wrapped, all but forgotten in the back of the freezer. We didn't even wait for them to thaw.

This week I happened to find a bag of fully cooked shrimp lingering in the freezer. So, the easiest thing to do would be to whip up some cocktail sauce – my ex-boyfriend’s mom’s recipe – and we would be good to go.

Shrimp thawed? Check.
Ingredients for cocktail sauce? Check.

Uh, wait.

We had no ketchup. Not a drop to be found.

So, I figured I would be all experimental and make my own ketchup.

Some tomato paste, water, granulated sugar, kosher salt and cider vinegar later, I had a pretty damn delicious base for my soon-to-be cocktail sauce.

I know there are some chefs reading this who are all, “Ketchup? Oh, come on! I made Fillet Wellington from scratch yesterday.” (For example, Mr. Scriblerus -- a natural-born chef, who treats us to amazing feats of deliciousness involving things like red wine shallot reductions at Casa del Scriblerus-- probably thinks me a kitchen wussy.)

Nevertheless for me this was a very big deal.

It’s official. I can cook.

Need a from-scratch condiment? I am so your gal!

Taking Care of Me

Stressful day, so J and I went out to the local Applebee’s.

As you likely know, the server’s rap at Applebee’s (along with just about every other Stuff-Salvaged-From-Garage-Sales-and-Tacked-to-the-Wall-because-it's-FUN!!! joints) is a tightly scripted exercise in salesmanship.

They test drive the hell out of these scripts because every blessed word that comes out of the servers’ mouths (“Would you like to try an order of our tasty mozzarella sticks?” “How about some of our caramel-drizzled, hot apple pie to finish you off?”) is meant to extract another $6.95 + tip out of your wallet.

Considering how much research goes into this stuff, it drives me nuts that this is the new thing I hear when I go to these joints…

Hi. My name is (Blank). I’ll be taking care of you.

This makes me think that they plan on changing my diaper, giving me a painful injection or doing some kind of hooking on the side.

Um….appetizing!

Can someone make them stop? Please?

Breakfast of Champions

It's 10:32 a.m. and I've finally gotten around to eating breakfast.

Caffeine Free Diet Coke and some leftover garlic bread.

Oh yeah.

So:

• Guess I'm officially off the "health wagon."
• Vampires are so not messing with me today.

All About the Liquid

Note to Self:

Things not to do when you're on a liquid diet:

• Get sucked into the oh-so-pasta centric Under the Tuscan Sun on HBO.
• Review Ben and Jerry's new flavors.
• Watch the League of Extroardinary Gentlemen*

* You got me. This one has nothing to do with food; it's just a really stinky movie.

Evil Snack

As I was cleaning up the house and doing some cooking, I figured I would indulge in a little, healthy snack and gulped down three macaroons. Then, I flipped over the package to look at the nutritional content (so I could give myself a smug, little pat on the back) and thought...

"Holy shit! These things are 10g of fat a pop?!?"

On second thought, I should have had a Big Mac instead.

The Ranch Conspiracy

Today I left the doctor’s office starving, having been there (mostly in the waiting room) longer than I anticipated. So, I stopped by Subway and picked up a clog-your-arteries sandwich along with the bag of fat free Ranch Doritos.

This got me thinking about the wonderful world of Ranch.

I think the world’s people can be divided into two categories:

• Vehement Ranch Haters
• Those Who Have Succumbed to the Power of the Ranch

I fall into the latter category.

I wouldn’t even describe the taste of Ranch as pleasing. It’s just that when I see it, I have to consume it in mass quantities. A fine example involved me having bought a 2.5 lb package of dry Ranch seasoning at Sam’s Club. Can’t remember why. Must have blanked out.

Here’s what I find especially funky about Ranch: There are no discernable tastes that make up “Ranch.” You just know “Ranch” when you taste it.

Here’s another strange thing: Almost all recipes I’ve found don’t school you on how to actually create the Ranch flavor.

Most kind of read like this:

Cheesy Ranch Potatoes

Slice two potatoes and bake for one hour. Mix powdered Ranch dressing with sour cream. Dump on potatoes. Serve with something meaty.

Cheesy Cheddar Ranch Burger

Char a nice hunk of red meat and put on a toasted bun. Cover with copious amounts of cheddar cheese and crispy bacon. Pour on a healthy glop of Ranch. Keep defibrillator handy.

Of all my Googling, I could only find one soul brave enough to post an actual, from-scratch Ranch dressing recipe, c/o of a cook named Lisa_Roy.

Methinks the Hidden Valley Ranch product development team has already placed a bounty on her head.

So, where did Ranch come from anyway?

The Hidden Valley Ranch web site claims the recipe originated with Steve and Gayle Henson on their ranch near Santa Barbara, California

Yeah, nice cover story.

I still think it’s made my aliens.

Rainy Day Eats

Outside the weather is lousy.

Inside I'm having Campbell's Tomato Soup and grilled Kraft American cheese on right-from-the-breadmaker bread.

I think I'm in heaven.