Twisty

Emily Post had No Rules for This One

It's the holiday season, so I wanted to give a little love to the folks who make our days easier -- namely, the trash collectors in our neighborhood.

Not knowing when they come, I didn't know the exact mechanics of tipping them during the holiday season.

So, I put some cash in a bright-colored, yellow-highlighted envelope (labeled "DO NOT THROW ENVELOPE AWAY / TO: TRASH COLLECTORS") and taped to the top of the can. In the card I wrote, "Thank you for keeping our neighborhood beautiful. We appreciate all you do. -- J and TJ McGuinness"

Corny or practical. I guess I'll let them be the judge.

I'm just hoping they don't chuck the envelope.

Seeeeecret Confessions

Like to know about people's naughty bits...or share some of your own?

The makers of Method soap (those yummy-smelling cleaning products you can buy at your local Target) have created Come Clean, a web site that features streaming confessions from site visitors.

Sound is a must. It's worth 5 minutes of your time even just to hear the relaxing sounds of the faucet running. Sigh...

A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That

Things I’ll be doing at some point today:

• Doing end-of-year clean up for work
• Checking the doorstep repeatedly for missing Abercrombie gift for niece
• Finally putting away my laundry
• Sending round of last-minute Christmas cards
• Payin’ some bills
• Making Kransekake and -- if I’m up for it -- Oatmeal Scotchies (for my fella!)
• Drinking a glass or two of Three-Buck Chuck* while doing the above

* Jersey Cost of Living = Expensive. So-called "Two-Buck Chuck" costs an extra buck in my area.

Abercrombie? AberCRAPPY!

A Public Service Announcement:

Don’t buy from them. They’re bad. Very, very bad.

Think they’ll sue me for libel? No way! I have the story to back it up…

My niece is an Abercrombie & Fitch junkie. I should also mention that she’s a gorgeous athlete and a size two. Frankly she would look great wearing a mildew-stained shower curtain.

Admittedly I’m not a fan of Abercrombie. I find their clothes ass-grabby and their in-store staff snotty and unhelpful. However, it’s the holidays. She's a good kid; I’ll get her whatever the heck she wants.

Afraid of being the woefully uncool aunt who gets her something (gasp!) decidedly un-trendy, I settled on a gift card.

Desperate to avoid the mall rush, I ordered the card online late on Friday and requested “Next Day Delivery” for a $10 fee. I expected the gift card to arrive Monday, December 20^th – the next business day.

When the gift did not arrive by Tuesday afternoon, I checked my e-mail. I received an Abercrombie shipping notification saying that my gift went out the evening of Friday, December 17^th and gave me a link to tracking information – which didn’t work.

So, I decided to brave the 800 number. Here’s what transpired….

Me: Hi. I was hoping you might help me. (Explains situation referencing receipts, e-mails and order numbers in nauseating detail.)

Customer Service Representative (CSM): Wow…that’s sad.

Me: Yes, I know. (Pause.) Time is of the essence, as I need to ship this stuff to

Florida

in time for Christmas. Can you tell me when I may expect the gift to arrive?

CSM: Well…uh…wow…um…I don’t know.

Me: Can you track it?

CSM: Yeah. Um. Wait. No, I can’t. I don’t see any tracking numbers here. When did you order it?

Me: (Sigh) Friday night. I paid extra for next day delivery.

CSM: Did you say “next day?”

Me: Yes. I assumed it was the “next business day” – Monday.

CSM: You see, they say next day on the site but sometimes it takes 1-3 days. It says it on the site.

Me: No, it doesn’t. Check. Had I known that I never would have placed the order.

(Long Pause)

Me: Hello?...Hello?

CSM: Yeah…you're right. Just checked the site. I guess that isn’t on there. Wow…

Me: So what have you done in similar circumstances?

CSM: What?

Me: When similar things have happened to other customers, what have you done? Issued a refund? Sent another shipment?

CSM: I don’t know…wow…I don’t know. I do know we don’t do refunds for gift cards.

Me: So, what you’re telling me is that you don’t know where my package is, you don’t know when I’ll be receiving it and you won’t issue a refund – even for the shipping charges.

CSM: Sorry.

(***SILENT SCREAM***)

Here’s the total clincher.

So annoyed was I by this phone call that I channeled my inner bee-yatch, sat down and wrote a fiery “Why-You-Stink-And-Need-To-Issue-Me-A-Shipping-Charges-Refund” complaint I planned to send to the powers that be at Abercrombie. I went to the “Contact Us” page on the Web site.

I fill in my name, e-mail, pop in my text and hit send.

Dead link.

I enter the stuff again. Send.

Dead link.

One hour later…

I enter the stuff again. Send.

Dead link.

I guess I will just have to find another way for them to feel my disgruntled customer wrath. Anyone know where I can get a cheap price on some skywriting?

Maybe I need to get some information from the famous Customer Service piece entitled "Yours is a Very Bad Hotel." (If you haven't read it. Please do; you're in for a treat. It's the elaborate complaint piece so good that you wish you wrote it yourself.)

Well, I’m off to check my porch (again) and make plans for tomorrow’s last-minute pilgrimage to the mall.

Meh.

Swan-eriffic

Is it wrong of me to say I want to be on FOX’s The Swan? However, my chances of getting on are slim, as there are a couple of strikes against me.

I:

• Am in possession of all my teeth.

• Don’t have a beard.

• Feel pretty good about myself.

• Don’t hate my mother, eeeeeevil men, missed opportunities and/or the world at large.

• Have moral issues with a show that spreads this message weekly: If you’re pretty, everyone will be nice to you and give you everything you always wanted. (Yeah, I know that’s true but does FOX have to remind me – weekly – that hot people are often better off than we mere, average-looking mortals?)

But, I keep thinking, wouldn’t it be nice to get three months to just focus on looking and feeling good?

I’m envious that they get free facials and have a pricey trainer beating the hell out of them in the gym. Sigh…

Man, I am ashamed of myself.

Thanks!

Never let it be said that you can't count on a Montana Franciscan for an assist. Thanks to Randy at SFO Life for his excellent and thorough info about EID. (And happy belated Eid-al-Fitr to all! Sorry I'm a little over a month late...)

Christmas List

In case any one of you crazy kids is feeling especially generous this holiday season, here are a few things I would enjoy:

- Target gift certificates
- An umbrella I won’t inevitably lose
- A&E’s Horatio Hornblower series on DVD (Two reasons: #1 - Great interpretation of C.S. Forester’s classic novels, which focus life/war at sea – from a British perspective – during the Napoleonic conflicts. #2 – Hot captain.)
- Black socks (Who can’t use black socks?)
- A ban on all stupid car commercials (Scratch that. A ban on all car commercials.)
- Someone to tell me when “EID” is, the holiday commemorated by this US Postal Service stamp
- No snow…ever
- Jammies that don’t shrink in the wash

Thank you!

Guess Who's Back?

I pride myself on being a pretty good multi-tasker. A few nights ago, for example, I tweezed my eyebrows, emptied the dishwasher, wrapped presents and watched VH-1’s Best Week Ever all while carrying on an in-depth conversation with my girlfriend about cheap but tasteful holiday gifts and school field trips. However, I’m lousy with multi-tasking when it comes to writing.

I used to think that I write better when I’m sad. Upon reflection, though, I know it has less to do with a mood but more to do with activity. On those occasions I’m feeling low, I eat something crunchy/cheesy followed by something ice-cream-y/chocolate-y and zone out. It’s those times that I shift from “doing” to “thinking” that the creative juices begin to flow.

A few months ago, some exciting things began happening in my life – namely new jobs for me and my fella and the purchase of our first home. (Woo hoo!) Over time, things became increasingly more hectic. For the first time in a long time, I found myself in the unusual position of having run out of things to say. Blogging (sad to say) became a chore, rather than a nice little way to exercise my mind and put my ergonomic keyboard to good use. So, I put Blogging behind me, not knowing whether or not I would come back.

A few weeks ago, though, I stared having little pangs – those thoughts that come to you in those final few moments of consciousness before sleep. Something funny or interesting would cross my mind. I would think to myself, “I wonder if this is blog-worthy?”

So, I’m back. Let’s see where this goes…