Twisty

Diamonds Are (Not) A Girl's Best Friend

This weekend was decidedly gusty in Jersey.

How gusty was it, you ask?

It was so gusty that the umbrella was hoisted out of our brand new deck set and blew back for a return engagement, piercing the brand-new, tempered glass table, shooting several thousand, glittery glass hunks all over the damn place.

I figured one of two things would happen with all the little pieces:

• I would scoop them up
• They would fall through the slats of the deck, never to be heard from again

I was wrong.

A couple hundred of them have firmly wedged themselves right between the slats of the deck. Oh, I banged at them with all manner of chop stick and kitchen implement. Rather then coming free, they have gotten even more entrenched.

I figure I had two options:

• Go on a chopstick-wielding rampage, losing my fragile grip on sanity in the process (Bad Choice)
• Channel my inner Dr. Fad and pretend it’s purposeful (Better Choice)

So, I’ve just decided to refer to them as “Deck Diamonds.”

Who knows?

Maybe I’ll start a trend.

Oh Yes, It's Ladies Night!

Mr. Surly is out of town. Woo hoo!

Yeah, I loves my man. But sometimes I need a little alone time to indulge in all things girlie.

Alas, due to feeling oh so craptacular, I have to scale back a bit.

But, on tap tonight?

• Princess movies
• Veggie pizza
• Antibiotics a go-go!

Update

Just got back from the doctor. Looks like I have a combination of bronchitis, sinus infection and -- get this! -- farookin' pink eye.

Yep. It's confirmed.

I got the cooties.

A Haiku

Feel like crap today.
Is it allergies or cold?
No creative zeal.

No Chow for Now

I’m doing a detox diet right now. Frankly, I haven’t been this heavy since the end of my Junior year in college when I discovered bars and pub snacks.

At the time, I wound up losing all the weight doing Atkins. Pretty much all I ate was eggs, celery, hot wings, Diet Coke and Amstel Light (then, the lowest carb beer on the market) for three months.

Upside? Skinny!

Downside? Scurvy!

How did I know?

At the time, Sarah and I lived together in the sorority house and it was thesis time. To get the creative juices flowing (and tune out the ever-present sounds of fun everyone else was having who was not writing a damn thesis), I would hook my feet on a rail under the desk and lean my chair back, so that my thighs touched against the under side of the front of the desk and supported my weight. That way, I could stare at the ceiling and not the mini-fridge filled with icy cold brew, or the phone, or the 500 stars that needed to be spray painted for rush....You get the gist.

After a couple weeks of that, the top of my legs started turning a dark shade of purple. I mean, a really dark shade of purple. Like I dumped a can of paint on myself. In fact, the rest of me wasn’t much better. It seemed any little bump and bruise I got quickly ballooned into a huge, greenish-purple patch.

Oh, and I did I mention I’m really clumsy?

Upside? Skinny girl with finished thesis!

Downside?  Looked like I was always on the losing end of a catfight.

So, that was the end of that.

Most of the time, I do okay with moderation. However, lately I’ve too often heeded the call of the brownie.

So, I’m going to lay off all things yummy (e.g. booze, caffiene, chocolate, white flour) for a few weeks to give myself a bit of a jump start.

For a tenth of a second I even considered acupuncture or something involving colonics. But then I remembered that I’m not crazy.

OK. Off to microwave some more carrot soup.

Spanish Junk Mail & Country Cabins

I just got this e-mail message:

O teu amigo "Júnior" estava no Mundo Canibal e recomendou o video "Travesseiro de Preda". Para Baixa-lo click no link abaixo

Then, it had a link.

Now, I haven't had my summer Spanish bootcamp*/fancy camping experience** yet. So, I can only venture a guess as to what it says. I'm going with:

Hello, my friend, Junior. Check out this video of
"Transvestites wearing Prada."

Am I close?

* By the by, if there are any possible takers who want to go with me to Spanish camp, just drop me a line. I originally pitched it to Mr. Surly as a "Fun-filled, Romantic, Educational Adventure!!!" One wonders why he didn't take me up on it.

** "Fancy Camping" is outdoors living for the former sorority girl set. Think cabins, flush toilets and cute campfires, with limited exposure to wild animals, poison ivy and icky bugs. Yes!

Update: Caltechgirl comes in with the save. It is indeed Portugese. Yep. I definitely need those lessons. Bring on the fancy camping educational retreat!

I admit it. Not as evil as I once thought.

You may have heard me spout off about this before. I don’t like iPods. More accurately, I can’t stand the increasing isolationism they foster.

In this modern world (I promise. This lecture will be short.), there are already so many things that keep us from interacting with and experiencing the world around us. Cell phones, PDAs, laptops, the Internet, ATMs. Somehow it’s fine to have an animated cell phone conversation with your friend in Japan and Blackberry your boss, whilst throwing money at the man at the newspaper counter to pay for a pack of gum, then waltzing out the door without even acknowledging that he is a living, breathing human being.

Hey, I’m kind of a closet loner, so I’m guilty of it too. Somehow shopping online saves me from having to actually (Gasp!) interact with fellow shoppers, get whacked in the legs with shopping carts and maneuver around overzealous sales clerks paid to spritz you with musk-accented, celebrity-inspired cologne.

iPods, to me, seem to both embody and symbolize this cultural shift. Wearing an iPod in public says:

Yeah, I may be forced to interact with you. But, I’m doing it on my own terms, and to my own personal soundtrack, baby!

Ugh.

Well, that is…until I got one.

Now, I didn’t actually go out and buy myself an iPod. I got it as a present from some (very kind) friends for my birthday.

I felt kind of guilty at first. I don’t want to become one of those people who walks into oncoming traffic because they’re busy rocking out to the hits of Rush.

But then, I found the perfect use – adding a little zest to the drudgery of house cleaning.

When conceiving of potential buyers, methinks the good people at Mac didn’t picture this: A rubber glove-clad Jersey girl sprinkling Comet like fairy dust, whilst rhythmically scrubbing tile grout and lip synching Donna Summer’s “Hot Stuff.”

Maybe I should pitch it to their ad agency?

Scandalous Personal Secret Revealed!

I came clean about this to El Cap but figured it’s probably about time I share my embarrassing secret with the world.

Sometimes, when it’s dark…

And I’m in the house all alone, I…

Pour a big goblet of red wine…

Flip on some classical music…

Gently massage some melted butter and garlic onto a chilled chicken carcass…

And talk to my invisible television show audience.

Yep. It’s a sickness. But sometimes I just have to get my Rachel Ray on. Wonder if they offer some kind of medication for this sort of thing?

(Gulp!) Austin Bound

It’s hard to (again) come back from a long absence. I feel like I should have something terribly exciting to say, like, “I’ve been off writing ‘The Great American Novel,’ or “I just gave birth to triplets!!!” Not the case.

Like most folks, I’m on the computer all day at work. I mean all farookin’ (TM parkwayreststop.com) day. If it wasn’t for my need to pee or desire to snack, I would never get up from my chair. When 6 o’clock rolls around, my wrists ache, my eyelids droop and my racing mind begs for mercy.

To make matters worse, I’m kind of a long-form blogger. I like to tell a story. And, sometimes – on good days, they’re even interesting. But, that requires a goodly time commitment and some creative juice.

Lately, though, I’ve ditched the computer in favor of a glass of wine with my husband or taking out the garbage, or an hour of mindless tv. Sadly, I don’t really even read too many blogs any more. Reading blogs makes we want to write blogs, which ultimately bums me out that I don’t keep up with my own. It’s a vicious cycle.

This weekend I’m joining my dad along with a bunch of other delightful bloggers in Austin. And, I’m rather embarassed to say, that I’m a more than a little intimidated.

There was a time, as recent as a few months ago, that I could talk about “Flippery Fish” with some degree of authority. I could jump into a heated debate about the benefits and drawbacks of Typepad. I could sense issues that were going to make a big splash in the blogosphere. Now, I am oh-so out of the loop.

But, I suppose there are two things I have found to be true:

• Bloggers – invariably, at least in my experience – are good people. Interesting, open minded, creative, generous and friendly.
• Bloggers are fun.

From what I have heard (and already seen), the Austin folks embody all of those great qualities.

Sure, there’s still that shy part of me that feels like a bad blogger, more than a wee bit afraid I won’t grok the proverbial idiom. However, I’m hoping a bottle (or two) of local brew will help to quell those fears.

Well (Gulp!), I’m off! Wish me luck!

Dish Bloggin'

Haven’t been a bloggin’ too much lately.

The weather has been too freakin’ gorgeous.

Also, the bottom of our dishwasher is filled with a toxic soup of stagnant water, as GE doesn’t seem to feel my sense of urgency when it comes to repairs. So, I’ve been spending a good chunk of my time hunched over the sink, reaching again and again for my Dawn dish detergent.

Well, off to make some risotto. (One-pot meal and paper plates. Woo hoo!)